I’ve been thinking a lot about motherhood this week, what with my girlie turning three and so many friends having new babies of their own. Tonight it made me pause and smile at my fridge because when we got it a few years ago, pre-P, I was so intentional about the precious few items I wanted on it. Just a couple of choice magnets from a museum trip, a scripture verse, and clean, clear surfaces.

Now it looks quite a bit different. I am quite a bit different. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but it took time for me to know in my heart I was ready. That first cry changed me down to my cells and I was so excited to love her and care for her. But it takes a lot to transition from decades of being responsible for me and only me to having such a tiny life so largely dependent on my time, my care, and my decisions. And sometimes in those early months I thought everything would be perfect if there was only some way to safely find her suspended animation button so I could just get one uninterrupted stretch of sleep and yet not miss anything she might learn or do.

So three years later I am less selfish (or, more aware of trying to mitigate my selfishness), more tested, sometimes more patient, and infinitely more fulfilled than I was before. I am more nervous about some things and less about others. I have learned to shake off a lot I can’t control, and I’ve laughed until I’ve cried to see my own humanity, warts and all, reflected in such a tiny, unfiltered form.

Maybe what I’m thinking, especially for my friends, is be kind to yourself. When you’re wrapped in awe of your baby, it’s the best soul food on earth. And when you’re feeling ragged, insufficient, alone, or even totally inept, come sit by me. I’ve felt those things too. I feel them still, sometimes. And I will laugh with you, or cry, depending on the moment, and I will share 2 Corinthians 12:9 ” But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” And we will assure one another that if we’ve put that precious little sunbeam in His hands (sometimes 72 times a day), the rest will fall into place. Sometimes all over the front of your fridge.