What The Ultrasound Didn’t Show

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I have been working on a very different post, about how I’ve transitioning from one eating plan to a different one and why and how it’s going. But this morning, a Facebook memory popped up from 5 years ago, and it changed my direction. The other post can wait a few days.

Baby shower

Five years ago this morning, I was wrapped in pure joy. I was freshly turned 41, very pregnant with my longed-for rainbow baby, and honored with a lovely, overwhelmingly generous baby shower by my home church, surrounded by supportive women, some of whom had known me since I was 2 years old. Glorious. (And that’s my sweet, excited mama by my side).

Today, exactly five years later, I got up early on this holiday weekend morning, threw on the first available pair of shorts and a t-shirt, ran a brush through my dirty hair, and left the house with a notebook, an iPad, and a grim determination to get some desperately needed alone time. I was supposed to be having it in my jammies at home, leisurely flipping through magazines and listening to the birds. Instead, my daughter threw a colossal tantrum, my husband had to rearrange the special plans he’d made for an outing with her, and my choice was to feel grounded at home myself or “run away” before my alone-time, sanity-preserving window closed. With my husband’s blessing, I ran.

Did I go off to a salon and decompress with my toes in swirling bubbles? Go on a shopping spree? Sip coffee in a hip, comfy coffeehouse chair? Nope. Inconveniently, we have recently set out on a journey to be debt-free, and my “blow money” budget was already spent up for this month. So in the interest of fiscal responsibility, I drove to the parking lot of a closed business to borrow their wi-fi so I could watch a video from a parenting series literally titled “Have a Different Child By Friday.”

I really couldn’t have anticipated this at that shower. We knew so many things before her birth – we’d seen her face and her gender and the chambers of her heart from her ultrasound, we tracked her development size week by week relative to various fruits and vegetables thanks to a prenatal app, we’d even chosen her name years before. But with any pregnancy there is no way to know ahead of time the one thing that would actually truly be useful information: their personality.

You can’t possibly know what will make them laugh and what will make them dig in their heels. What they’ll absorb easily and what will be hard for them to understand. And most importantly – you can’t know how very much your own strengths and so-human flaws will be reflected in their little life. I shared about this a bit before I went back to work from maternity leave (you can read that post here), but at 11 weeks old, she still wasn’t offering up a real glimpse of who she might be.

My daughter is bright, funny, and gives the best hugs and kisses. She is extraordinarily observant and loves art and books and our kitty and dresses and glitter. And she has what I have to believe is actually a 2-child’s-worth dose of stubbornness and a highly charged sense of outrage when challenge is presented to her own ideas,  which she might possibly have gotten from me and then amplified it. She will set the world on fire one day, and I pray over her daily that she will allow that strength to be used as a mighty woman of God as she grows up.

Really though, the biggest thing I didn’t know at that shower five years ago was that I’d be challenged to grow up myself. I’d spent over four decades learning myself, just to be beautifully, and possibly humorously from God’s perspective, reminded that in no way do I know it all, can do it all, or can control it all. When I’m stressed out and wonder if I’m doing any of this right, that reminder can feel like a curse. Oh, but it isn’t. It’s a gift.

How much more clearly can I be brought to understand God’s great, infinitely gracious, patient love for me (and for those around me whose deservedness of grace I may be tempted to measure) than to be called on to show that grace, patience, and guidance to my daughter? Today is just a day. There will be so many more; more opportunities for laughter and strength and remembering that the loudest lesson I teach is my own actions. Of course I feel inadequate to the task. I am! But He isn’t, and I can trust Him, with her and with myself. Thank you Lord.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Quick and Easy Breakfast Wraps

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I. Am. Not. A. Morning. Person. I have dreams of swanning out the door gracefully each morning having exercised, enjoyed a fresh made healthy breakfast, and written a chapter of my book, accompanied by my dressed and cheerful preschooler, pausing to survey my spotless floors with a satisfied smile before pulling the car out of the garage 10 minutes ahead of schedule. In reality? Let’s just say I’m well-versed in picking my top two priorities, letting the rest go, and counting it a success if I’ve held my patience all the way through.

I’m not giving up on my dreams though! One of the best steps I’ve made towards that perfect morning is dealing with breakfast on the weekend so I don’t fall prey to a frantic swing through a drive-thru where my options are both generally unhealthy and a waste of my food budget dollars. This week in particular, I’m kicking off a fresh start on my weightloss journey, so I made a batch of my favorite breakfast wraps. With just a few minutes of assembly, I have five little packets of joy in the fridge, ready to help me get out the door on those busy work mornings.

Although you can easily make a single wrap if you have time in the morning, the recipe below makes 5 wraps to take you through a work week. It’s followed by step-by-step instructions and some options for alternative ingredients.

Quick Breakfast Wraps

5 tortillas
10 egg whites or equivalent
5 Tbsp crumbled bacon
5 Tbsp shredded cheese
Taco seasoning to taste

Scramble eggs with taco seasoning and divide into 5 portions. For each wrap, fill 1 tortilla with 2 scrambled eggs, 1 Tbsp bacon, and 1 Tbsp cheese. Tuck in the sides of the tortilla and fold over like a burrito. Roll each wrap in a piece of foil and fold each end over to seal. Store in fridge up to 5 days. To serve, heat in toaster oven on foil, or unwrapped in skillet.

How To Make:

First, gather your ingredients. This is where the wraps are so flexible! I use the Extreme Wellness High Fiber tortillas, but you can use any kind of tortilla or flatbread. You can use whole eggs or egg whites or egg substitute. Your fillings can also be varied. I use real bacon bits for convenience, but I’ve also made them with pre-cooked chopped turkey sausage. You could use diced ham, or turkey, or Canadian bacon, or even skip the meat completely to make them vegetarian. And the cheese! I opt for part-skim mozzarella to keep the calories low, but you could use cheddar, smoked gouda… any melty cheese would work. And the taco seasoning is optional too! I make my own blend to control the salt and keep the heat on the milder side for my family, but you could omit it, use garlic and herb Mrs Dash, just use a pinch salt, or use any favorite herbs. You could even add leftover veggies, but I would advise against it (or lots of fresh herbs) unless you’re making the wrap to eat right away. Generally, vegetables or herbs with a higher moisture content don’t store as well when you’re making the wraps in advance.

Once you’ve decided on your ingredient choices, you’ll need to cook your eggs. To keep my prep time to a minimum, I microwave mine in a heat-proof glass bowl. While I prefer the texture of skillet-cooked eggs to eat by themselves, I don’t find it makes a difference in the wrap, and I love that they basically cook themselves while I’m measuring out the rest of my ingredients! I use egg whites from a carton for these, so I measure out the equivalent amount to give me 2 eggs’ worth per wrap and pour into my glass bowl sprayed with cooking spray. Then I stir in the taco seasoning. I rarely measure this, but for this batch I used 1 level teaspoon.

Seasoning eggs

Once the seasoning is blended in, microwave for 3 minutes.

While the eggs are cooking, on a large cutting board set out your 5 measured portions of bacon and cheese, leaving room for the eggs. Then, tear off 5 pieces of foil and set those and your tortillas to the side.

When your eggs come out of the microwave, be warned – they will only be partially cooked, and all of the seasoning will have concentrated into the cooked portion. This looks odd, but don’t worry a bit – with a spoon or whisk, just stir in a chopping motion to break up the cooked egg .

Partially cooked eggs

Put the eggs back into the microwave for 2 more minutes. When you take them out, they should be very slightly undercooked. With your whisk or spoon, stir and chop the eggs into small pieces. The seasoning will now be well-distributed, and the residual heat will finish cooking the eggs by the time you’ve finished stirring them. Overcooked microwaved eggs get a rubbery texture and a not-so-appealing grey tinge, so adjust the cooking times as needed for your microwave.

Turn the eggs out onto your cutting board and divide into 5 portions. Eyeballing is fine here – no need to spend extra time weighing or measuring. That’s a whole extra 2 minutes you can sleep work out in the morning!

 I do recommend portioning them out like this rather than scooping from the bowl, since it allows the eggs to cool faster and keeps your last wrap from being a lot smaller than the rest. When your board looks like the one pictured above, you’re ready to wrap!

For each wrap, lay a tortilla on a piece of foil. In the center, add an egg portion and sprinkle with your measured bacon and cheese.

Tucking in the sides, fold your wrap over like a burrito. Wrap snugly in the foil, folding each end over and crimping to seal. Although you could use waxed paper or plastic wrap, I recommend foil because I heat these in my toaster oven. Remember – my goal is to get out the door as quickly as possible, and I generally eat these on the road if I’m commuting or as soon as I get to my local office. I don’t want to have to transfer them to a separate container for heating and then re-wrap them to be able to eat on the go! Instead, I run to the fridge a few minutes before time to go, pull out a wrap, toss it on the toaster oven on the highest toast setting, and finish getting ready. Then I just have to grab it (carefully) and tuck it in the side of my lunch bag with a napkin.

I hope you enjoy these! What would your ideal flavor combination include? And, what are your secrets for a smooth, orderly morning? I recently finished another project I’ll be sharing soon – I finally conquered the clutter of our “get out the door” items so my breakfast doesn’t get cold while we’re scrambling for backpacks and folders and keys!

5 Things I Wish I’d Learned Before The Wedding

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This week, J and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. As sometimes happens, we hardly saw each other on the actual day, but we managed to escape for a quick getaway a couple of days later. We actually ended up at the scene of our first (blind) date. Well, sort of. We were at a restaurant across the street, since the site of our actual first dinner has since been torn down and replaced with a very large Sun Tan City.

That really struck me as humorous, although it might not have a year or two ago. Much like the wrecking ball and construction site mess that transforms the old building into the new, the rosy romantic love of the wedding day can easily be pressed, stretched, and reformed through the years into something that barely resembles the original. This is, sadly, the end of many a marriage. It nearly was for ours, but by the grace of God, it wasn’t.

On Christmas Eve, 2016, after one of the most heart wrenching arguments we’d had, I tearfully told my husband I wanted out. Out of the turmoil, out of the strain and unhappiness, out of the seemingly endless cycle of trying to fix things and failing. We’d gone to counseling, we’d gone through the exercises, but we just couldn’t seem to find peace. For the past 2 years, we’d been through a hurricane of job loss, medical issues, financial strain, postpartum depression, and so much anger. I was worn out.

I’d never wanted to end up divorced. Both sets of our parents are celebrating their 50th anniversaries this year – our grandparents were separated only by death. We did not come from a background of calling it quits, but there just did not seem to be an end in sight. I was distraught at the idea of what we might be doing to our then toddler, I was struggling in every area of my life, and I felt terribly, terribly alone.

My words seemed to hang in the air, and then J gave his answer. With tears of his own, he told me he just wanted me to be happy, and if he needed to leave for that to happen, he would. I had an open door to end it between us, but when I opened my mouth to say it, my heart spoke something else instead. I realized that if I truly believed the vows we had made before God had been heard and accepted by Him, this marriage could be saved. I want to say here, carefully, that I am aware that there are some marriages that cannot be salvaged. There are times when, due to risk of personal safety or abandonment or other deeply painful circumstances, reconciliation isn’t possible or advisable. But those were not our issues.

Our problems were mostly unmet expectations with a heavy dose of poor communication, lack of compassion, and, as much as it pains me to say, lack of trusting God. While I had, many times, gone through the litany of our problems in my head, I finally realized in that one moment that they all boiled down to the last one: I had stopped trusting God with my marriage. When J offered to leave to make me happy, I finally saw his heart. He did love me, even if it wasn’t the candlelight and roses variety. He valued my happiness, my well-being more than his own. When was the last time I’d done that for him?

So my answer to him was that I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to have a lifelong marriage. I wanted to have and to be a partner with a shared purpose in life. I wanted to be part of something bigger than just an amalgamation of bills and to do lists and home repairs. For the first time, I truly understood that my husband was not my enemy.

We didn’t fix everything overnight, but with our priorities finally aligned, healing began to flow. There is peace in our home. When we do argue, we resolve it quickly, without emotional damage to one another. We set in motion a series of goals to achieve together that are transforming our lives in every way.

There is a book in our house that we call theMarriage book Marriage Book. My mother gave it to me as a bridal journal when I got engaged, but since my planning binder dominated that time, I didn’t actually use it. On our first anniversary, I wrote a letter to J in it, and he wrote one to me. This became our annual tradition. The letters are part recap of our year, part romantic mushiness, and part hopes for the year to come. There are 2 years worth of blank pages in that book. I regret that, but at the time there were no words we wanted to commit to ink. I had thought perhaps we’d go back and put something down to mark the passing of those years, but now I know we won’t. We have moved forward. The pages are filling up again, and it’s time for me to write another one now. Those empty pages will serve as a memorial to what we did wrong but also, and far more importantly, to forgiveness and to mistakes we no longer make.

I have several sweet friends getting married this year. I’m happy for them; excited by their excitement. It brings back memories of butterflies and anticipation and joy. But it also gives me a lot to think about. We sailed into our wedding, as many do, sincere in our love for each other, but pretty unprepared for our lifetime together. So here is what I’m thankful to know now, but wish I had known (or lived out better) then.

1) Pray for your husband, every single day. Not “God please make him ______” but for blessings over him, his wellbeing, favor in his work, thankfulness for him. You cannot sustain destructive anger towards someone today when you know you’ll be asking God to bless him again tomorrow morning! And oh yes, God hears those prayers.

2) Talk about money. Be honest, open, and direct. This is not an area for assumptions. Use a budgeting tool (we use You Need A Budget*, but even paper and pencil can work), set your giving, saving, and spending goals together, and work your plan. And my personal opinion is to share joint accounts. I know couples who don’t, but I think there’s tremendous value in seeing the money and its administration as “ours” instead of “mine over here and yours over there.”

3) Learn to fight fair. Use “I feel” statements instead of “You always” or “You never”. Rarely are either of those true, and they just add fuel to your own fire. Remember that this man you are angry with is your partner for life, and is just as valuable to God as you are. Speak your heart, but do it with peace as the goal, rather than your personal rightness. This may require some deep, calming breaths and a dose of prayer before you speak. I promise you won’t regret that.

4) Do not withhold forgiveness from your husband. If he comes to you with a sincere apology, accept it. Without an “ok, but….”. You are his safe place and he is yours, but it won’t feel that way at all if he’s always wondering if you’ll throw his past mistakes in his face the next time you’re angry. If you consistently practice #3 above, this one is much easier to do.

5) Celebrate your differences. We rarely marry carbon copies of ourselves! We are gifted differently to complement one another. His lack of thinking as you do is not a weakness on his part, much as it might annoy you in the moment. And I’ll add this here, although it probably deserves its own entry: You are not always right. His way of doing things isn’t inherently wrong just because it’s different from how you prefer it to be done. The end goal is far more important than the method.

I could probably expand this list by a dozen more items, but these are at the top. I hope if you are married that there is laughter and joy between you and your husband. I hope you haven’t experienced the turmoil we went through. But most of all, I hope that our story (shared here with J’s agreement) can be used for good; that someone who reads this one day finds hope and a promise of a future they feared had been ruined.
Wedding to now

*All YNAB users are given a referral link to share. You are under no obligation to use it, but if you do and you decide to sign up past the free trial, you’ll get an additional month free and so will I.

Too Much of a Good Thing

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This week has… not been so great. I’ve been over-committed and exhausted, and the worst part is, it’s all of my own doing! I’m generally pretty good at saying no to outside commitments, but it turns out, I can’t seem to say it to myself.

I’ve been giving this quite a bit of thought, and I think the cause of it is I’ve allowed my goals to get out of sync with my priorities. This is a bit embarrassing to admit – in my previous career, I was a corporate trainer who got paid to teach people how to set goals properly! So how is it still sometimes so difficult?

This past year has been a pretty unprecedented season of personal change for me. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight, which itself came after a time of some pretty deep emotional issues. I’ve craved simplicity like it was chocolate, and I’ve purged and organized all the closets and cabinets I can get my hands on. We’ve taken on a major financial project with the goal of being debt free, and while that’s just starting, I’ve been trying to keep my spending as limited as possible. So when the weightloss sparked several dropped clothing sizes, I’ve spent countless hours sorting old clothes, some to donate and some to sell (which takes way more steaming/steaming/photographing/listing time than I imagined!). Oh, and I changed roles again at my job a little over a year ago, and due to the nature of the work, much of it is still new to me.

So I find myself surrounded in self-improvement projects, and although I have more physical energy, my mental energy has drained rapidly the past few weeks. The mess of clothes in the guest room makes me twitch (oh, and we just went through our semi-annual kid’s consignment sorting and tagging extravaganza with Peapod’s stuff). I have blog ideas pinging around my brain but it takes time to document some of my projects with my camera as I’m working through them. I am trying to learn Instagram and other tools to build a cohesive media presence that might one day create a second income stream for my family. My husband’s schedule has gone out of sync with mine so preschool pickups are complicated and I can’t always get to my workout classes. And, the most frustrating thing of all is my weightloss has started to stall out!Busy mind

Is it possible to take on too much of good things? Heck yeah! What’s too much? Who knows! But here’s what I do know: when it all starts to go sideways, the only place to go is back to the basics. My time with God has to come back to the top of my daily to do list. Next are my family’s care and my physical well-being. I’m not entirely sure why I’m struggling so much lately to track and follow my eating plan, but it’s the only thing that works. I have had great success, but I’m nowhere near my final goal, and I don’t want to give up now! If I’m real honest, it’s only partly fatigue from doing this for so many months and more so the stress of my life whispering to me that food will take the edge off. It’s time to remember that I’m doing this to improve my life to be able to better deal with stress! As for the rest… I need to slow my roll.

That’s where the prioritizing gets a little tougher, I think. With my discarded clothes, I have felt like it was the fiscally responsible thing to try to get some of the value back to put towards other purchases. And that’s not a bad thing, but in my case, it may not be that good of a thing either. The key to that decision is, what is the opportunity cost to my time? It’s possible its time to let practicality trump dollars, donate them to a good cause, and enjoy the room to breathe.

With my blog writing and organizing projects and thoughts and how-tos…. it’s easy to get lost in analysis of what would get more views, widen my exposure, capitalize on a trend. But I believe God gave me the words to write the truth and insights from my life to be useful to someone else. And that’s how I’ll approach it going forward – I want to write my heart. And sometimes that might be how to cut a pineapple and sometimes it might be a meditation on a scripture. I want to connect with people and encourage them, more than I want a certain number of views or likes on Instagram.

Some of you may be the Type A to my Type B, and you may not struggle with this kind of thing at all. That is great! This is no condemnation of self-improvement. It’s just an acknowledgement that at some point in any of our lives, we can “good idea” ourselves right into some not-so-good moments. Let’s pay attention. We only have one life on this earth – let it be something lovely!

Inside Out

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I’ve always been some degree of overweight as an adult. To be honest, sometimes it bothered me and sometimes it didn’t. When those degrees notched up a bit I’d try some diet or another, lose maybe 15 pounds and then get bored or overwhelmed and give up. But in 2013, I was catapulted into the most difficult time of my life, and everything took on new shape and form, including myself.

Completely and totally overwhelmed by becoming a new mom at 41, my husband’s job loss, the devastation of our finances, and the stress that accompanied a job change of my own, I turned to food. I was too embarrassed by the turmoil in my life, by my own lack of perfection to reach out for help for a very long time. Over those months I ate my stress, my sorrow, my embarrassment, and my confusion. I knew I was gaining weight but I just didn’t have any emotional resources left to deal with it. I was outraged at how hard my life was and instead of turning to Jesus as I knew to do, I feared what He might show me about my own weaknesses so I gave in to my anger instead and used food to try to numb it. I gained somewhere around 70 pounds in a little more than a year.

Weight is such a complex subject, perhaps especially for women. For me, it was a barrier between my private hell and the world I was sure was judging me; a literal insulation from activities and people around me. It was also a punishment I inflicted on myself for being so angry and having such ugly thoughts.

Once we started doing the hard work of restoring the right order of our lives (a story of grace for another day), I made a decision I hadn’t anticipated. I gave myself permission to stay fat while I dealt with the state of my heart first. I don’t believe there’s a diet plan in the world that would have worked for me until I could forgive myself for my failings. This was a challenging line to walk. I was becoming lighter and freer on the inside and painfully aware my outside did not match. Although no one said anything unkind to me, I imagined a thousand unspoken comments from those around me of, “poor Heidi, if she could just get a grip on her weight.” I did my best to hold my head up and carry on, wanting desperately to shout from the rooftops that these pounds weren’t the real me, that people had no idea of what I’d been through, what I’d almost lost,  what kind of miracles were going on in my spirit and my home. And that I wasn’t undisciplined or out of control as they may have believed.

Finally, last Spring, I knew I was ready to physically take care of myself like I’d been doing emotionally and spiritually. I signed up for Weight Watchers as a 45th birthday present to myself and the pounds started falling off. Eventually, people started to notice, and the compliments started coming. I am thankful for them. They are flattering, and sincere, and appreciated. But sometimes I hear “You look great, you must feel so much better now” and it stops me in my tracks.

They are not wrong. I do, in fact, feel better. I’m stronger, and faster, and lighter. But I can’t help wishing they knew that what makes me feel better is the lightness of heart, the joy, the peace in my home that came before the pounds started to go. That I was ok before I looked like it on the surface. That I was worth complimenting for honoring my marriage vows, for choosing a forgiving spirit, for simply living my life and not giving up. But I can’t ask from people what I haven’t done well myself.

So I think I’m finding my voice now to say this: I was worth it. God says if He cares for even the sparrows my worth is infinitely greater. Who was I to pour hatred over myself and suffocate myself in the walls I thought were shutting everyone else out. And you are worth it too. If you struggle with extra weight, you might choose to lose it, and I will cheer you on.

But first I’ll tell you that you are a priceless treasure. That we are all an amalgamation of strengths and weaknesses, and no one kind is more valuable than the other. I told myself for so long that my capacity to gain weight made me worthless, diminished my value in this world, was a character flaw. I was wrong. The flaws were the destructive attitudes I chose, and as I constantly tell my preschooler, you can choose a new attitude any time. I believe this for me, and I will believe it for you, until you can choose to believe it for yourself.

2 Ingredient Dough Pepperoni Pizza – Fast, Easy, Delicious!

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  1. I first experimented with this method because I was looking for a healthier pizza option that was 1) fast, 2) easy and 3) really, really good. No sad, cardboardy frozen “diet” pizzas allowed here! This was an instant hit!!

It’s chewy, has a delicious, slightly sourdough flavor, can be flavored a million different ways, and cooks up perfectly every time. It’s husband and preschooler approved, and gets us to the dinner table (or couch, for movie nights) faster than ordering delivery.

To jump straight to the recipe, click here. For step-by-step directions, read on!

First get your ingredients ready.

You’ll need self-rising flour and plain, fat-free greek yogurt for the crust. If you don’t have self-rising flour, you can make your own! For each cup of self-rising called for, substitute 1 cup all-purpose flour plus 1 1/2 tsp baking powder and 1/4 tsp salt. I’ve made it both ways and found no difference, but I keep self-rising on hand now because it’s just faster (and we make it that often). For tools, you need a bowl, a spoon (and a whisk, if you want to break up any lumps in the flour first), measuring cups, and extremely clean hands. An eager-to-cook preschooler can also be a delightful kitchen accessory!

Dough ingredients

First, turn your oven to 450 degrees. Then measure your flour into the bowl. I use 1 1/2 cups of flour to 1 cup of yogurt. You can do a 1:1 ratio instead, but I’ve found the extra flour really enhances the texture of the crust and does not have a significant impact on points if you’re counting those. Before you measure the yogurt, be sure to pour off any standing liquid in the container. This is important – don’t try to stir it in first! You want the thickest part of the yogurt. Add the yogurt to the bowl and stir to combine.

Mixing dough

When the dough is beginning to stick together, add a little extra flour to your hands and form it into a single ball (or disc, it really doesn’t matter). Dust your work surface with a bit more flour and put your dough onto it. Knead the dough by pressing and turning for about 5 minutes or until it’s smooth. If it’s extra sticky, add a bit more flour to hands and counter. If it’s too crumbly, sprinkle a little water or add an extra dab of yogurt.

Dust your rolling pin and roll out the dough into a circle (or, as I prefer, a “rustic” circle, meaning a slightly uneven artsy “get dinner moving quickly” shape). You want it fairly thin, and about the size of a large pizza pan. Make sure your pan is very nonstick or is well-sprayed (I do both). Then, transfer the dough to the pan. A great way to do this is to lay it over the rolling pin and pick up the pin so your pizza dreams don’t flop to your perhaps not so food-grade floor.

Knead and roll

Use your fingertips to “bounce” over the dough, stretching it out a bit and making little divots (to better hold the sauce later). If you make a hole, just pinch it back together!

Press dough on panPut in the oven and prebake for 5 minutes. You just want it to be slightly firm, but not golden or browned at all. Take it out and set it aside while you finish assembling your toppings.

Pizza toppings

You can really get creative here, but I would recommend always starting with the pre-baked crust regardless of your topping combos. (BBQ chicken is our second favorite!) Brush or spoon your sauce over the crust, leaving a little bit uncovered around the edge. I prefer less sauce, so I use 1/3 of a cup, but you can use as much as you like. Next, layer on 1 cup of shredded mozarella, evenly distributing. Then add the pepperoni (I use 80g, but you can do more or less). Because we use turkey pepperoni, and it seems to curl more as it cooks, I stack them and cut them in quarters first. This also makes it easier to get plenty of peoperoni in every bite! Finally, for a super-cheesy finish, sprinkle 1/2 cup of shredded cheddar-jack over the top.

Ready to bakePop that beautiful thing back into the oven for 10 minutes, throw together a salad (or, in my case, a bag of frozen broccoli in the microwave) and you have dinner! Your oven time may vary slightly, but you want to see golden brown edges and evenly melted, slightly browned cheese. The pizza will have shrunken a bit as the dough has risen.

Perfectly cookedCut in 8 slices and dig in!

I’d love to hear from you in the comments- what are your favorite sauce/topping combos? Are you spicy-peppers-to-the-max, plain cheese, ham-and-chevre-with-a-honey-drizzle? The sky’s the limit!

Heidi’s Pepperoni Pizza

Crust:
1 1/2 cup self-rising flour (plus more set aside for kneading and rolling)
1 cup fat-free plain greek yogurt.

Sauce:
1/3 cup of any marinara sauce
80 grams turkey pepperoni
1 cup shredded part-skim mozarella cheese
1/2 cup shredded cheddar-jack cheese

Directions:
Add yogurt to flour in a bowl (drain liquid from yogurt before measuring). Stir to combine, then dust your hands with additional flour and press dough into a single ball. Turn dough onto a floured surface and knead for approx 5 minutes, pressing, folding, and turning dough until it’s smooth. Roll dough fairly thin into a circle and transfer to a well-sprayed pan. Bake at 450 for 5 minutes.
Remove crust from oven and brush with sauce, leaving a bit of the edge bare all around. Evenly cover with the mozarella, then add the pepperoni pieces. Finally, sprinkle the cheddar-jack cheese over the top. Bake for an additional 10 minutes or until the edges are golden brown and the cheese is melted and bubbly. Cut into 8 slices to serve.

Sliced and readyReturn to top

By the way, I’ve provided links below to some of the items I use and love in my kitchen constantly (I think I got the rolling pin and mixing bowls from our wedding registry 13 years ago and they are still going strong!). These are affiliate links, meaning if you use them to make a purchase, I get a small commission at no extra cost to you.

OXO Softworks Rolling Pin: https://amzn.to/2IO3MZ9

OXO Non-skid 3qt Mixing Bowl: https://amzn.to/2uiiPqJ

Farberware Measuring Cups: https://amzn.to/2INVWyD

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Blogiversary! Redefining Again…

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I started this 6 years ago for a place to basically dump my random thoughts. I was almost 40, struggling with infertility, trying out clean eating, and striving to grow in grace.

Since that day I lost some weight, had a miscarriage, had my beautiful daughter, struggled with undiagnosed post-partum depression, had my family life nearly implode as my husband went through a difficult employment period and dealt with medical issues, saw our finances take a direct hit, did the hardest work of our lives to restore our stressed-to-the-max marriage, changed roles twice at my job and, after quickly losing the baby weight, gained somewhere around 70 stress pounds in about a year.

Tired from reading that? I definitely was, and my eating habits sure didn’t give me any extra energy to deal with it all. I didn’t want to feel the way I did, but I knew I had to deal with my emotions before I could deal with the weight. Bit by bit, with counseling, and fresh honesty, and many prayers, things got better. Or we got better at letting go of what didn’t matter.

Before and AfterOn 5/9/17 I turned 45. I knew I was ready, and I decided to sign up for Weight Watchers. I started on 5/12/17 and set my goal at a healthy weight for my height. I’d been some version of overweight all my life, and I’d always hedged my bets by “just trying to lose 20 pounds and see how I did.” This time, I was all in. And as of 3/18 I’m down about 85 pounds so far.

Many things about my life are still in the process of changing. I’m several sizes smaller, so I’ve had to deal with discarded clothes and new clothes, but since we’re also tackling our finances, I have to be pretty savvy about how I keep my wardrobe updated, and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. We’re working towards being debt free, which is overwhelming and exciting. I’ve completely changed the way I eat (and boy can that be a budget-buster too) and I have some great meal ideas and snack tips. My daughter is now a preschooler, and I’m continually learning how to mom and do it with grace, humor, and again, a budget. And feeling so much better in my skin (and my brain), I want my environment to match, so I’ve been gradually organizing/purging/konmari-ing our house. Got some good ideas there too!

So to get all those ideas out, I’m re(de)fining my content here. You can still read all those old posts under the Archive category, but going forward, my content will mostly fall in these three areas:

  • Simplify: Organization, budget streamlining, time-saving
  • Beautify: Weightloss, fitness, meal planning, possibly even some crafty type things
  • Glorify: I know that everything I do is nothing if it is not grounded in the God who created me, redeemed me, and rescued me. As I seek his face, I’ll share my journey into Grace.

Come along for the ride! You can click the Follow button at the right (or at the bottom on mobile)  to be notified when a new post goes up, and follow me on Instagram to see what I’m into!

Less is More

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I’ve hesitated to discuss this “out here” because…. well, few topics could be more personal. But I keep feeling the nudging that someone out there might find some encouragement from it, so here we go (it’s long, sorry).

I’m losing weight. A lot of weight. A little over 40 pounds in the last 12 weeks, with the goal still a considerable way down the road. While stray pounds have always been attracted to me like cat hair on black pants, in the last few years I went through some incredible stresses. Deaths, birth, job changes…nearly everything on any Top 10 Things That Will Send You To An Early Grave list. And when I’m stressed, I eat.

Food was something that could bring at least some temporary pleasure and literally insulated my feelings away from the world. So I stressed and I struggled to haul myself out of bed each morning and deal with my life, and I “rewarded” myself for survival with whatever I felt like as a treat. But I always knew that wasn’t the real me. I was in there somewhere, somewhat comatose, just hoping it would get better some day. And then I woke up.

I had been dealing with my stresses one by one, fighting and praying my way through. I’d realized I couldn’t deal with the weight until I had some of the food triggers laid to rest, but I finally came face to face with it. I couldn’t make any more progress until I started to show myself some love and respect. So this isn’t about a diet (I’m intentionally not promoting the plan I’m following here, although I can say it’s a very balanced, healthy one), it’s about self-care. About forgiving myself for my weaknesses. About literally losing my best defense that allowed me to drift into the background and limit my life. About daring to live more freely.

I’m saying all of this because while I am losing pounds, and limitations, and in some cases inhibitions, I have gained an enormous capacity for empathy. I am more honest and less judgemental than I’ve ever been. God has already begun using my experiences to help me intersect with people and issues I hadn’t reached before, and I’m thankful for that. I’ve learned it’s hard to listen when you’re still able to pretend “I’d never let myself go like that” but very ear-, eye-, and heart-opening to understand that any of us, at any time, can choose Escape, whatever flavor that takes for each of us.

So if you need to know tonight that you are more than your mess, I will pray with you Psalm 139:13-16, Ephesians 2:4-9, and 2 Corinthians 12:9. I will also tell you to please not lose yourself. Self-care is not selfish, or arrogant. It’s recognizing you need to put your own oxygen mask on so you can go about the work set before you. If that requires professional or medical counseling, seek it out. If that means exercising the word No, whisper it a few times for warm-up and then shout it loud and clear. And if it means facing something difficult, or scary, call on me. I don’t have an answer for every question, but I do have a strong arm for support, an endless supply of song snippets and movie lines suitable to any occasion, and one enormous God who can’t be scared by anything we might need to bring before Him. He believes we are worth any price.

Motherhood

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I’ve been thinking a lot about motherhood this week, what with my girlie turning three and so many friends having new babies of their own. Tonight it made me pause and smile at my fridge because when we got it a few years ago, pre-P, I was so intentional about the precious few items I wanted on it. Just a couple of choice magnets from a museum trip, a scripture verse, and clean, clear surfaces.

Now it looks quite a bit different. I am quite a bit different. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but it took time for me to know in my heart I was ready. That first cry changed me down to my cells and I was so excited to love her and care for her. But it takes a lot to transition from decades of being responsible for me and only me to having such a tiny life so largely dependent on my time, my care, and my decisions. And sometimes in those early months I thought everything would be perfect if there was only some way to safely find her suspended animation button so I could just get one uninterrupted stretch of sleep and yet not miss anything she might learn or do.

So three years later I am less selfish (or, more aware of trying to mitigate my selfishness), more tested, sometimes more patient, and infinitely more fulfilled than I was before. I am more nervous about some things and less about others. I have learned to shake off a lot I can’t control, and I’ve laughed until I’ve cried to see my own humanity, warts and all, reflected in such a tiny, unfiltered form.

Maybe what I’m thinking, especially for my friends, is be kind to yourself. When you’re wrapped in awe of your baby, it’s the best soul food on earth. And when you’re feeling ragged, insufficient, alone, or even totally inept, come sit by me. I’ve felt those things too. I feel them still, sometimes. And I will laugh with you, or cry, depending on the moment, and I will share 2 Corinthians 12:9 ” But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” And we will assure one another that if we’ve put that precious little sunbeam in His hands (sometimes 72 times a day), the rest will fall into place. Sometimes all over the front of your fridge.

Reboot

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I’ve been quiet here; too overwhelmed with living it to document it. But I’ve lived, and learned, and chosen love, and I’m ready to talk now. I could say this is a story about a marriage, but it never really is. It’s only ever a story about individuals; what we choose, who we allow ourselves to be. So this is my story.

There was a wildfire in my field. It shouldn’t have been a surprise; the tinder was certainly abundant. But what tiny, seemingly insignificant sparks it took to set it off. For a while, it smoldered in corners, and I felt an uncomfortable heat but I couldn’t see it yet. And then; eruption. Conflagration. Searing flames of anger, confusion, indignation, and outrage became a roaring wall around me. I couldn’t find escape. I was too rooted to run but desperate for safety, so I let it burn, and I went. . . dormant.

I counted what I feared I’d lost, but was too scared to open my eyes to see for sure. I was terrified of what might be gone. Security, money, pride, love, hope… what if they were all just piles of ashes now? So I buried myself in layers of whatever felt safe, and prayed someone would know where to burrow down to find me. Tell me it would be ok.

As it turns out,  Someone knew exactly where, and who, I was all along.  And sunlight came, and gentler breezes, and rain to soothe and wash clean what was scorched. And we survived.

So once again, in a more drastic, deeper way than I thought possible, I find I am being refined, redefined. I am turning over new leaves on every branch. I’m more certain of where to be bold, and to what and whom my roots will cling now. I’m less willing to spend time on the foolishness of the world and more interested in real joy. I’m clearing off surfaces and decluttering my mind.

Maybe you are in the middle of renewal too. Or you’re burdened, afraid it’s impossible for you. It isn’t, I promise. Nothing that has to do with drawing closer to God is ever impossible, according to Luke 1:37. So the clouds are parting, I’m feeling full of possibilities, and I’ll post about them as I go. You’re welcome to follow along.

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