I have had reason this week to reflect on marriage from several angles.  A few days ago, J and I celebrated our seventh anniversary.  The actual day was a dud in terms of festivities, since we both worked late and I had a massive head cold, but we’d had the opportunity to be in Nashville together a couple of days before and had a wonderful romantic dinner (if extremely late at night after a ballgame and a nap, and featuring a constant supply of tissues for the cold) at the Opryland Hotel.  I can’t tell you what the traditional “gift” is for seven years, but I did ponder briefly on the phenomenon of the seven-year itch.  If this is the point where we are supposed to get bored with one another, restless, ready for a change, it’s news to us.

Relationships, even rock-steady ones, require an elasticity because in my experience, they are constantly in a state of change, at least under the surface.  Permanent love is choice-based love.  I think my husband is very handsome, I get the butterflies when I look at him, and I admire many of his qualities.  But if I don’t also choose to actively love him every day, to show him love and grace even when I’m aggravated, to make a conscious effort to lift him up, to make my decisions in light of his best interests as well as my own, I will be nothing but a clanging cymbal (1 Corinthians 13).  I will have all the sound and trappings of love, but chinks will open to let in petty resentments, selfishness, or self-righteousness.  He does the same for me, and the timing of who needs love the most in a moment, and how great or simple the effort to give the love is the recipe for a living breathing marriage.  It’s a lot like watching the reflection of water on a ceiling.  The source is the same, but the sunlight and winds influence a constantly moving reflection.

I’ve heard and read over and over again that “Marriage should be a 50-50 partnership.”  That made a lot of sense, until I got married.  I find there are times when it’s 100-100, because you’ve met up with something that requires total cooperation, effort, and giving from both sides.  Sometimes it’s 50-50 because you divide and conquer a list of tasks, physical or mental.  And sometimes it’s 150-25 because someone’s unwilling or unable for the moment to hold up their end, and the other stands in the gap until things even out a bit.  Those moments come in every marriage, and sometimes they lengthen into many, many moments, and I don’t know how they are survived without the marriage being grounded in God.

The lifestyle changes I’ve been writing about have made some interesting ripples in our marriage.  I had to confess I was not strong enough to do it alone, while avoiding “guilting” my husband into his participation.  He shared that he was willing to do it, but didn’t feel it as a conviction like I did.  I countered that I feel like this is a case where as the wife and the one primarily in charge of food, I believe I’ve been convicted for both of us.  That opens up a whole other area that needs extra exploration, but I do believe I’m right.  So he has been an excellent sport, but I continued to be unsure that if I, say, went on a business trip, he would continue on the path while I was gone.  And then at dinner the other night at my lovely in-laws, we were discussing health.  This was less about our own lifestyle change and more about my father-in-law’s recent open heart surgery.  I suddenly heard my husband explaining the benefits of our eating changes in detail to his parents.  He’s been listening!  And then my jaw dropped open when my former meat and potatoes (or more accurately, McDonalds-on-the-go) husband went on to share several ideas he’d like to cook, including phrases like “served on a bed of spinach.”  The balance is shifting; I’m not carrying a heavier portion of the load any more.

We’re on vacation this week, but instead of traveling, we’re staying at home, tackling some DIY projects around the house.  Our last vacation, while delightful, was with my parents, so it’s been a year since we had this much time together to ourselves.  One of the side effects of taking on so many changes in my life at the same time has been an unfortunate loss of quality time with the man who’s been my best friend for the last ten years, so I must be careful to choose not to bury myself in books every spare minute, as is my tendency left over from a decade as a single adult before we met.  I will give my 100 percent to nurturing this partnership we have going.  Sounds pretty refreshing to me.